#pay no attention to my spiraling
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Hello and thank you for the tags today @martsonmars @artsyunderstudy @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @nightimedreamersworld and Wednesday @fatalfangirl and @palimpsessed I love seeing what you’re working on.
I’m trying to get back into writing the next chapter of How to Avoid a Scandal, my friends to lovers, fake dating, Hollywood AU. It’s been a while since I’ve touched this and I am determined to keep plugging away until I can update it. (The art for the next chapter by xivz is SO good, too!) Here’s a bit from Simon’s POV:
“You make very good points,” he muses, voice low.
“Course I do,” I mumble, busying myself with drinking my wine so I don’t have to look at him anymore. Don’t have to let it twist my stomach into knots.
I don’t know how to do this. This is all so new, the realising I have feelings for Baz and having to deal with it. While I’m with him, and he looks like that.
I chance another look and regret it instantly. My eyes are immediately drawn to his wine tinted lips. Like they’re a fucking bullseye.
It’s still a little rough but we will get there!
Tagging @cutestkilla @bookish-bogwitch @captain-aralias @facewithoutheart @moodandmist @aristocratic-otter @raenestee @onepintobean @stardustasincocaine @ivelovedhimthroughworse @shrekgogurt @technetiumai @johnwgrey @larkral @theearlgreymage @hushed-chorus @letraspal 💛
#has anyone ever looked at their statistics page and felt paralyzed by the amount of subscriptions a fic has?#I think that might be part of why I’ve been stuck on this chapter for months#like excuse me how many people are going to get an email when I post this sucker???#I better make it good but fuck what if it’s not that good?#pay no attention to my spiraling#how to avoid a scandal#carry on fanfiction#Snowbaz
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DON'T listen to your body! IGNORE physical sensations! DON'T pay your mortal form heed!
#this sounds like one of those jokey villain core posts but genuinely it's also hypochondria#I CANNOT tune into my body without becoming hypervigilant#so I just have to remind myself Not to think about it#obviously things like hunger and tiredness and need to use the bathroom I listen to#but like. other than necessities it's not good for me to pay attention to my body very much because I will spiral#Lu rambles#the hypochondria blues
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(tags via @encryptidarchivist)
YESSSSS i love him very much hes my darling beloved!!! <33
(ramble below cut cuz this got so long oh my god lmao - cw: suicide mention)
The tma oc is actually an au version of 'Pai Rite' (he/she)! He's player character i made while co-DMing a Call of Cthulhu campaign. He's originally from 1982 Chicago and about 28 years old. Her og lore and backstory and what played out in the campaign is rather complicated so imma leave it out. (tho i'd happy to rant about it lol-)
For the tma version: She uses her full name more often than just her nickname/chosen name; Joshua 'Pyrite' Kerr (he/she). She was born in 1978 in LA, moved to England in 1997, and died 2010 at age 32.
She is marked by both The Vast and The Spiral! (in the same way Martin is a mix of The Eye and The Lonely)
Pyrite has a rocky relationship with his parents from the start, his father was killed/taken by The Vast when Pyrite was only 17. His mother was killed by The Spiral, which triggered Pyrites leave to England to study mathematics at the King's Collage in London.
(Idk if it would really work all that well in canon but I've taken The Vast in a less 'real' direction? Like making it less of a place of endless mist or whatever but making it more like a concept?) Pyrite's father was a mathematician and investigating/trying to figure out more of the pi number. The horror of the uncomprehendable powered my the Fear drove him to insanity and eventually suicide, leaving his family suddenly and without a word.
Her mother, turning even more hyper religious than before, turned to pseudoscience as a way to cope with the grief (buying crystals and crafted religious symbols/spells to protect her, and doing other low-key paranoid superstitious stuff).
She eventually got her hands on some colorful (sea)glass shards which she hung by the windows to catch the light and "ward off evil".
The glass is an artifact of The Spiral! It slowly multiplies in numbers in the given location, and starts changing colors/patterns of objects within it's line of sight (though the owner is the only one who can see it's effects).
The longer the artifact is a set location and affecting it's victim, the more intense the distortions get (pottery/dishes "melting" or changing shape, entire rooms becoming mirrored, objects switching places with each other, glass clinking sounds being heard from every room, ...). Eventually it moves from inanimate objects to people in the victims life.
Pyrite's hair got turned a purple/pink as a cause of the artifact. Panicked, Pyrite's mother took a hammer to the glass, breaking it untill there was nothing left but dust. Pyrite found her body later that day as it was being taken away by paramedics. He moved away after that, taking a single glass shard as a keepsake to remember her by, having no idea of it's effects.
He went on to study mathematics in London and found his fathers research notes, going down the same cursed rabbit hole he did.
She did become an avatar for The Spiral later on as the artifact went on to distort any research notes Pyrite made/found beyond recognition, essentially 'winning' and making her a Spiral avatar. Pyrite died in 2010 after Gertrude and Michael stopped the great twisting. Died mad and dazed and out of breath, trying to keep her grip on the only thing that was left of her mother, the destruction of the ritual making her take her own life.
me and my best friend(one of the other co-DMs) did art of Pai Rite and his gay boyfriend Revemine for valentines day!! :D
(also tagging @horrid-mothlegs for if you want more info for when our tma ocs can hang out >:])
#bat rambles#my ocs#im great at naming my ocs#they call me the namer#ik this doesnt make sense in tma canon since there was a diffrent guy as an avatar for the spiral but shhhhhh#im here to have fun first and pay attention to canon second#id send you this ocs playlist and pinterest for fun but neither of em are my best work for her vibes lmao#theres one other drawing of him i have on my blog? but its a year old and looking back at it gives me irl psychic damage..#so im not linking it- sorry lmao#most of his lore is rewritten now anyway#and i dont think i kept any of his public word docs updated#her name is Joshua because her mother made her pick a saints name when she got confirmed#pyrite is just a nickname (closer to a trans chosen name tbh)#pai/pyrite is mlm genderqueer! :D#just some fun facts lol#believe it or not the tma universe is A LOT kinder to her than what played out in og canon sessions haha (tears in my eyes)#tma oc
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insane how quickly something small can tank my mood
#i am so tired of being cut off when i’m talking#esp when someone doesn’t even care enough to realize i was over halfway through a sentence#and doesn’t ask what i was saying#or when they just make it incredibly obvious they weren’t paying attention or outright don’t care what i’m talking about#even when i’m talking super excitedly#it makes me feel so fucking small and unimportant#like yeah i guess the shit i say doesn’t matter 99% of the time but it matters to ME#but it hurts so bad when i get cut off only for someone else to say stuff entirely unrelated#and to then just like. stream of consciousness ramble every thought that enters their head#like okay. cool. awesome. alright#my mom does that all the time i’ll be telling her something and then i’ll get cut off or she’ll wait til i’m done#to out of nowhere start telling me super in depth life histories of people she hasn’t seen since she was a child. or people i don’t know.#and it’ll always be so in depth about so many people idk OR so fucking vague i get confused as hell#in the typical boomer just needs to talk at someone or hear their own voice way (sorry ily mom)#and i know i can go on for ages about fandom shit that confuses her or she doesn’t know about but#idk. i do not have much else in my life right now. and i only have her and my sibling and very very few friends that aren’t online#and even irl friends i only see a couple times a year each if i’m lucky#i just hate my life lol and i need to stop before i spiral#i have already gone on long enough and will be embarrassed when i come back to delete this because honestly who gives a shit#i need to get over myself#to be deleted#personal
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my sister just called me out in such a stupid way that i can't even be mad.
"do you even have whimsy in your soul?" she asked. and then went on to say that it seems i don't actually like anything at all, because i only discuss the negative. even in media i say are my favorite, all i ever talk about is the negative aspects or discourse.
i literally have zero response.
#🙃🫠#thats just the feeling there#i do LIKE things#and have positive stuff#but no one cares or pays attention?#so#idk#my bad#what now#im note evn necessarily angry is the thing#i just like complaining#try not to spiral challenge#failed spectacularly#i understand why im frequently not spoken to#im annoying and overly negative despite my best attempts to be the opposite#okay got it
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think i'm gonna add a bit to the rules of all my blogs about not really following back/interacting with people who have a blanket bi.lly hargr.ove dni thing just bc like..... i write him on another blog and it feels weird to be told to fuck off for liking a character but also having someone want to talk to you? like people make it such a moral thing to like or write billy no matter how much you lean into or acknowledge his faults (which is WILD bc i pm NEVER see the same treatment for characters bi.lly loo.mis who i also write or hanni.bal lec.tor and are LITERALLY serial killers and just generally WORSE) that it actually makes me feel uncomfortable when people who seem to hate him follow me on my other blogs.
like it feels like i'm being looked down on as a person but still deemed tolerable/useful enough to fulfill a fantasy/slot in their rp life at least for now. just... i dunno it really makes me feel bad. i don't really care if people want to rp with my billy or not but when you're taking a moral stance against him but still following me one of my other blogs what am i supposed to do with this? i don't follow these ppl across any of my blogs and unfollowed some people when i started rping him out of respect for their choice on that front. i guess it just doesn't feel like the respect is mutual? It's happened multiple times now since i made him and i've debated saying something about it before but i think i'm just gonna do it because fuck dude.... i can't with this shit.
#pay no attention to the man behind the curtain / ooc.#i make exceptions for people like phoebe bc 1. we talked about it ooc and 2. that's more about the Real Assholes who whitewash him n shit#who i also block as well so like... same brain on it#and ofc this crops up in my brain just as i'm in an anxiety spiral over my schoolwork B)#it's not like i hide that i write him either i link to the multi and he's right there in the blogroll so like
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Here,, Have a quick Whole design, the static was very fun and i now want to draw it more often
Never going to recover from Time Machine Reprise 👍
#art#digital art#chonny jash#cj whole#Designing this man sent me through a spiral because his outfit never stays the same#Just picked the most original one (and also the one i liked the most) and ran eith it ngl#love him though#also dont pay too much attention to the hands#i tried my best okay
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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ive decided i shall just Not sleep
#moo.txt#im really tired bht i dont. want to let myself sleep#i sont. deserve it#punishment. or whagever#sorry i really do feel bad venting on here all the time because im just forcing everyonr t#*to. well maybe not listen to me but at least look at my thoughts#instead of like just venting to one person or a server or whatever#but its not like i Have anyone to actually properly talk to#im everyones second choice At Best#and this probably sounds depressing but its not like im wrong. whenever i ppst this stuff i get self conscious but im just. saying it how-#-it is.#like yes im just burdening people but thats already what im fucking doing every minute of my life#i could say [REDACTED] and itd probably get ignored regardless so who cares at this point#ive tried so hard to push people away nobody understands. and i keep coming back like a fucking lonely puppy snd just hurting people more#i need to just be put down#i donf know what to do anymore i feel guilty when people dont talk to me i feel guilty when people DO talk to mw because either way its-#-a reaction to whatever ivs said on here typically#i dont Knkw whst i want anymore orher than [REDACTED]#maybe someday ill get angry enough and just stop censoring myself at all but at least right now i wkll#theres no winning with me because its like. i get sent a message About what ive said and i feel extreme guilt. i get sent a message thats-#-off topic and i feel extreme guilt. i dont get messaged at all and i feel extreme guilt#oh whatever im sitting here spiraling and writing a post that nobody except myself is gonna read least of all pay attention to#an extremely suicidal teenager what else is new.
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I have a huge bruise on my calf. A huge bruise on the back of my calf, the size of a grown man’s hand. I have no idea how that got there, it’s literally a black and blue bruise. I have other bruises of my legs and body with no recollection of how they got there. I have really bad memory issues and my pain tolerance is kind of high. I don’t know if these bruises are just appearing randomly because I am ill and don’t know it or because I’ve hurt myself and forgot that I did. I am always bumping into things and falling I guess. I don’t know. It’s literally a huge huge huge black bruise. I have no idea how long it’s been there or when it happened.
#I can’t body check because it’s triggers my health ocd because then everything is cancer and im dying in 3 days so I don’t look or pay a#attention#I have no idea how this happened.#and I’m trying not to spiral about it
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a a a a a a a a a a
last placement with loml uni crush and im not even gonna enjoy it bc HES SO DISTRACTING (false - im distracting myself by thinking/staring at him constantly) and im so tired and so stressed because im behind on everything and my brain is working so slowly and ITS DARK OUTSIDE WAY TOO EARLY and
#sorry to hyperventilate a bit here#the nervousness is nervousing#can my nervous system pls pay attention to learning about the nervous system 🥰😍#waiting for the day that my brain catches up to everyone elses and i walk out of a lecture understanding the stupid topic#föxbypsbossksö im gonna draft me a vent post bc nervous spiral#ssdöynslsbÖnyöyykxdodlsösklsbdlsbsl
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i rest my case.
#kuroshitsuji#black butler#sebastian michaelis#sebastian black butler#green m&m#both of them give slutty vibes tbh#in case u were wondering grelle is the brown m&m#this is what happens when me and hhh talk#instead of paying attention in class#eventually we talked about sebastian having three kids???#im not sure how we got there#but i said ciel finny and mey rin were the kids#obvi#and then she asked who was the spouse#my mind said bard but i wrote grelle#lmao#later i somehow spiralled into a writing the summary of an odd fanfic idea...#like ciel went to the grocery store or something#he wanted to buy eggs#but all the eggs were expired so he started crying#but then seb popped up and gave him a lolipop#and then seb ran away bcz he saw a hot person#and ciel started crying again#and then jack stauber popped up and turned the expired eggs into milk#and then ciel was happy and started singing that milk song by jack#and then veronica and jd who were in the 7/11 next door paused midway through freeze your brain#to relish in ciel's singing#idk what i was doing man#anyway#bye
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me to myself, currently: other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are
also me: obviously they have all begun to hate me
#hey remember that post from this morning about ocd and obsessive thinking?#i have been struggling lately and sinking into my own head and that makes me very. weird.#and not like. fun quirky weird.#it's off-putting weird. obnoxious as i overcompensate for my anxiety that's screaming at me to hide#i used to do that as a child. i would just hide when i felt like nobody wanted me around.#i would think to myself '' i know when i'm not wanted'' bc i see the awkwardness in the fake laughs and feel the just-too-long silences#the shared glances after i speak#and i see the ranks closing and shutting me out#and it is very very hard to discern if it's real or in my head#between ''i'm just paying attention to the subtle tells'' and ''you can't read minds and you do filter everything through your own mood''#so it's hard to tell if they really think i'm obnoxious or if i've already decided that they do and so i'm seeing what i expect#sometimes it does end up being undeniable when i do end up getting shut out of the chat#but is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy? is it my desperation to not be annoying that makes me annoying?#is it my own distancing from people because i think they hate me that makes them close me out because they think i don't want to be there?#i don't know. i've never known. this spiral has me and it's a whirlpool dragging me into the deeps.#i've spent my whole life so terribly anxious that i was misdiagnosed with asthma as a child because i was always struggling to breathe#it's gotten... better... sort of. i've learned to fight the urge to hide but i'm still left with the fear that pushed me to do it#mental illness#anxiety#depression
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are you normal or did you note down the puns in the act 1 event quest to compare between localizations
#so the thing is i heard there would be puns so i switched my text language to spanish again#and i caught 3 of them#the first is the va-iew-vyastra one#that one was pretty much the same in spa it was 'vayumatra' so i think it was just the 'matra' pun#the second in en was apparently 'ground nuts'#i find the spa one more related to the context of a.lbedo's suggestion to test out m.ondstadt native flora afterwards#it's 'valbayas' instead and he said it's bc 'vayas al suelo' tal vez despues de comer demasiado#i will admit that one coaxed an actual laugh out of me#valberry in spa text is valbaya -> baya means berry#but the pun is bc vaya and baya are pronounced almost the same way#the 'b' in baya in this case is an approximate of /b/ bc it appears in intervocalic position#and orthographic 'v' is pronounced as /b/ after a significant pause#idr if he was speaking quickly at this time but yeah#and 'vayas' is the 2nd person singular subjunctive form of 'ir' meaning 'to go'#so the gloss would probably be 'you fell to the ground'#bc she ate too many valberries#the third in en was 'c.ollei lily/flower'#in spa they did a diff pun and he said 'coleigas' como las colegas de c.ollei#it's a cognate so 'colleague' and 'c.ollei'#love these little changes in the localizations it makes me pay more attention to differences#i also mainly use cn voiceover. sometimes i switch to en for certain characters#i left the vo the same and boy was that a test of listening comprehension#unfortunately i'm not as proficient there so i could only pick out certain words and phrases#which was still fun ngl! i really took my time with this quest#i played it late in the day too so that's why this is late-ish#oh right and i was spiraling in the abyss earlier which put me in The worst mood but hey 36 stars we take those#if you read this essay. why. but yw that was your localization infodump for the day#unfortunately i cannot ramble about this anywhere so to the blog it goes#note#genshinposting
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#most of the time I'm convinced I turned out pretty ok and functional for a former 'gifted kid'#then someone implies I'm not doing a good enough job/working hard enough by like a tiny margin#and I spend my whole morning spiralling#bc my brain can't handle anyone thinking I'm not good or smart enough#especially when the accusation was unjustified like in this case#sometimes I wonder if working from home is worth the bullshit of productivity audits#especially when the person auditing you isn't paying attention to the fact#that your whole week of failing to meet productivity is bc you were assigned to train a new person#which will obviously impact productivity unless you want me to be the world's shittiest trainer#still trying not to be upset even though I basically got an apology for the nonsense#i need a nap#tag rants#peachy rants#personal
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holy fucking shit meow meow fucking loves me
i started with 146? or so wishes and already had him at C2 and uh
40 or so pulls later another one, next 10x pull another one and not a single gen 5*
i still have 27 wishes left over
#jordans thought spirals#genshin impact#alhaitham didnt want to come home at all but scara?#scara said you will pay attention to me#real nice of him to do this after my shit day at work
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